You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
