Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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