just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
