I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You need Xanax blowdarts
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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