theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
