they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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