Im at strip club and am horny
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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