I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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