I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
