i permit you to call me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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