Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
