you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
is it fun? or sober?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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