Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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