I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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