No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
