shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
