I could make wine with my vomit
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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