Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I would fuck him just for his dog
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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