When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
