Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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