I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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