the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
