How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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