rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
