so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
