Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have so many feelings about this burrito
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
