My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize