You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
