If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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