I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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