My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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