I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't turn off my feet"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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