How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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