Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
