I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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