I must be too annoying 4 u.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
