Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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