His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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