Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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