im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
