The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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