So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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