it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
