Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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