Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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