apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
