just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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