Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
