His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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