he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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