and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
