Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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