I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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