Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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