I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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