Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
