I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
