blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
