sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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