I just threw up on my dentist
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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